Just can't walk away from this

You know how sometimes an event happens and you just can't ignore it until you make sense out of it? Well, I had such an event and I have been spending the last 32 years hoping to find the words to explain what happened to me when I was working as a bouncer in a night club.
 First let me say, I have my own ideas about what happened, and I have no doubt that it was of a spiritual nature. I understand that I can not share something like this without expecting a variety of reactions based on a person's background. 
So, I accept those who have reacted in disbelief and made attempts to convince me that it was a psychological phenomenon.  I wish them well in their attempts to make this world fit the Box they live in. As for me, My life was Changed, and I was unable to continue living my life the same way after that night, and all the events that followed made it even more difficult to walk backwards ever again.

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Let me say here that I am not a writer, and thank goodness for spell check... I will do the best I can, and just give the fact as they happened, leaving the rest up to you as the reader to figure out what makes sense to you in your realm of understanding.

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Back in the early 80's, I was working as a bouncer in a totally nude strip club. I had been working there since I was 17 yrs old. It was the best job a young, "hoping to be a man", teenager could ever have, so I thought at the time. I have to acknowledge many life lessons I had there which helped shape me and fast track me in to adult hood.

There are many way to grow up in this world and they all have they their fair share of blessings and hardships as well as scars. So if you will, I was a young man doing what I thought was the best to live up to the idea of a man. 
I had a mentor in my life from the age of 15, who was a 6'3" biker with thick forearms, and a "don't make the mistake of fucking with me" look in his eyes. (Well, at the time, that was how I saw him.)  He is still a biker in every sense of the word and I will not give his name, nor any of the other persons that may come up in this telling. Let's just say that he, and the many he rides with, don't like their lives being put out in the info stream.

He was more a father to me than the ones I had in my life. My first father, the one who adopted me and a stepfather who has been in my life since I was 8 yrs old,  whom was not good role models. Trust me on that.

So as time past, I was offered a job at the bar where my mentor worked. My mentor and I had been going to a gym for some time and I think he thought I was up to the challenge, and I was definitely up to seeing the dancers.. :) But the boyish joy was soon to be put to rest. Within 2 months of working there, a man decided he was Bruce Lee, and a gun was pulled. While I was diving on another person, wanting to get into the fray, I was missed by inches by the bullet that hit the man I was diving on. Can you say grow up really fast? I did! I began to run scenarios in my mind from that day forward to be prepared for anything. It payed off many times after that night.

I am sure some, if not many of you, know what it means to get thick skinned.
 As I grew up, in a not so friendly household, and walking in a life of challenging ideology's of manhood, my skin was getting pretty think.
 Working that club took me to a new level. I admit I was a screwed up young man who had no real understanding of life other than the disjointed views handed to me by my life. This was a new lesson, and I was learning how to be a not so pleasant person. I got really good at making people believe I would hurt them more than they could hurt me.

I was a 6'2" 225 lbs, long haired, goatee on my face, learning to look at you with that "don't fuck with me" stare. I was taking Kempo as well, just to make sure I could back up my attitude, if you know what I mean. Anyway,  over the years of working there, I became a professional asshole, and I claimed to any one that asked: I was proud of it.

One day a man came walking up to the club and I could see right away he would be trouble, but that did not mean we couldn't take a little money off him before I kick him out. So I let him in knowing I would need to check on him from time to time. 
Low and behold, as soon as I did go in to check on him, he was toe to toe with my head waitress cussing her up one side and down the other. (unacceptable) so I walked up to him and put a firm grip on his shoulder at a full arms length just in case he swung at me. Then I told him, in a very unmistakable tone, IT IS TIME TO LEAVE, as he turn his head to look at me he said OK. than proceeded to walk out the front door.( I learned along time ago you never turn your back on someone). I followed him to make sure he got in his car and left. Apparently, he was not ready to leave, it turns out....

As I walked out the door and he was about 3 feet in front of me, already in the parking lot,

I saw his elbows raise a little while his hands were still in front of him seeming to be around the belt area...Like I said I ran scenarios all the time thinking of what some one might do. I thought he might be pulling a gun out from his waist line, which is a common place to carry a gun, or from the back of his pants, as that's the other most common place... and sure enough thats exactly what he was doing.

So I stepped towards him, and as he turned around I was able to catch his wrist with the gun that he did, in fact, have. Then, all in one swift move, I grabbed his wrist, holding his arm in the air, just in case the gun went off. At the same time, I ran my other hand straight into his throat. My momentum was enough to take him down to the ground and pin his hand with the gun to the concrete. I also dropped a knee in his stomach as we hit the ground hoping to knock some of the fight out of him.

Now let me say that over the years, I had heard from many of the persons I hung around that if someone pulled a knife or a gun on them that the knife or gun was theirs from that day forward and they had the right to kill that person for being so arrogant.

So, when I had him down, I started to slide his hand towards his head placing enough pressure on him so he could not get away. With a strong grip, I  maneuvered my hand over his so he could not let go and also make sure his finger prints were the only ones on the gun. I was putting my hands in a place that allowed me to pull his finger over the trigger... you have to understand this all happened very quickly so as I looked at him I saw the side of his head open up as the bullet went out the other side.

As I looked at him I had a strange dialogue run through my head.

First, I thought, 'Wow, you just killed some one.'

Follow by, 'so he pulled the gun on me, he got what he deserved.'

Then there was this feeling of how do I feel about having killed someone.

I was compelled to searching inside of myself and I realized I had no feeling about this at all.

Then I thought to myself, 'Wow! Just how far have I come in life to be able to kill some one and not give a shit?'

All of a sudden, I was asking myself if I was OK with this... I was not sure my thoughts paused..

(And this is where things get really weird.)

Without warning, all of a sudden, everything around me went black. I could not see a thing. My mind raced to find an explanation for this. I was not OK with not knowing what was happening to me.

Then I felt this feeling like gravity was pulling on me very hard, and the best thought I had on this was that I must be moving or was going somewhere in motion very fast. It seemed as if it was an eternity in time; my mind was racing to explain this so I could be in control of myself , but having no luck in doing so.

Then within an instant, I was surrounded by light and found myself standing in the parking lot of the club where I worked. The only thing was, it was daytime and as i looked around the club was closed as it should be in the day time... I was a little freaked out.

As I looked around, I saw two Bikers standing on the left side of the club as I faced it.

I thought to myself, 'I have to get my bearings back', so I walked over to them, and noticed right away that they did not seem to notice me.  This was odd because if you have ever been around Bikers, this would not happen as they see everything going on around them.

So as I walked up to them, I began to see something familiar in the guy standing to the left. His hair was gray and long and he had wrinkles in his eyes with a long goatee which was also gray. suddenly  It hit me that he was me: an older me. I did not know what to think of this.

Then I looked in to his/my eyes and saw a dark and empty soul. I could tell that by this age, I had killed a few more times. I did not like how dark and empty those eye were and began to step back saying : "that not who i want to become"

I must have repeated it 3 or 4 time 'till I found myself covered in black once again not able to see or tell what was happening to me.

And just like before, it seemed as if I was traveling a long distance and it took forever to get there.

Without sign or warning, I found myself able to see suddenly, and this time I was holding the man whom this all started, and my hand was at his throat. I was holding his other hand with the gun to his head.

I saw his head flaying back and forth saying something that slowly came into to my hearing,  like someone turning the volume up. He was saying, "Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me."

Well I was confused, dumbfounded, surprised, I had fresh in my mind's eye the vision of having killed him and seeing his brains come out the other side of his head.

I said to myself, 'What the fuck? This guy is dead. How can this be?!"

Surprisingly, I noticed that every part of my body was calm and I felt a sense of serenity that I had not experienced before.  I also heard a voice say,  "You do not want to kill him."

I looked at the top of this guy's head and saw two shoes standing there. I looked up to see the bartender telling me that I did not want to kill this guy. With a slow pause and a calm voice I said, 

"You're right, I don't."

I pulled the gun out of the man's hand and gave it to the bartender.

I grabbed the man and pulled him up off the ground and sort of tossed him into the wall of the building where we stood over him. At that time, the head waitress peeked out the door. The bartender told her to call the police, so she did. The man began to run his mouth. I just smiled at him, still confused and not really knowing what to do.

The cops showed up pretty quickly. Our club was well know so I guess if we called them, they must have thought it to be a big deal. They ran a check on him and found out that he just got out of prison having served time for rape, and this was a violation of his parole. So, I imagine that he went back to prison. I never heard one way or the other.

I did not share this event with anyone for about 2 years, not really knowing how to put into words what happened. I don't know if I was the only one in the event that was touched by what I believe were spiritual forces reaching out to me at my crossroad in life and giving me a chance to decide which path I was going to take, or if he also was affected by it as well in his own way. I would like to think so. But who knows, maybe it was just my time to see the cause and effects of my life's journey and finally choose to make a directional change.

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My Mystic or if you will Spiritual awakening

I apologize for taking so long to finish this. I just got some free time from work to focus my energy's to this telling.

As I said before all of this is up to the reader to intrepid, to believe or not.

How it has changed, my life is all the evidence I need.

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So here we are: if you can imagine as a result of that nights experience I was not able to act as if nothing had happened, and for many days after I kept coming to work unable to say any thing to anyone about what I experienced.

The thoughts in my mind were many and every day I was not sure of myself, Did I belong here, what am I supposed to do with my life? Was that real? Can I hurt people and be okay with it now? I was walking through my job and life with nothing more than instinct... doing as I had for many years, keeping up the routine.

For some time ( I think a few months 2 or 3 ) nothing big had happened in the club or in my life, still perplexed and with out any answers.

One night I was driving home ... I lived out side of town so I had to drive through some (at that time) old roads that had no street lights, I came over a small hill and down into a valley where I had a wide open view of the sky,.. to my right, I notice a flash of light and turned to see one of those thunder heads that come off the coast, A mass of clouds filled with a dazzling display of lighting dancing through it, nothing hitting the ground ... just creating a spectacle of aw ..each combination of lightning enhancing your ability to see the shapes and curves of the clouds filled with caverns and tall peaks, round columns of billowing mass.. this singular mass of clouds were enhanced more by a clear starry night. One massive cloud against a sky of stars and my mind and heart was touch.

I thought to my self there must be some thing in this world responsible for such a sight, I mean there has to be a Higher consciousness to create a world that has sights like this... to have created all the element that could pull off what to my mind was the most amazing light show I had ever seen.

I should tell you that I did slow down while driving, I actually pulled off the road and drove up a hill in my El Camino, ..parked, got out of my car to stand in amazement till the thought that a God must be responsible for this.

Look: I grow up in Houston till age 14 and had seen lighting storms my whole life always thinking they were amazing, So I have no idea why this one moved me as it did. I had seen storms that made you want to run and hide.. LoL ...but this one had something else.. I was in aw.

All the sudden I thought to my self this is as good as any to attempt to talk to ...well...I don't know ..."It”…you know that thing most call God.

But I had my fill with what most had called God at least religions spoon fed concept, so as I stood there and began to define to my self what God may hopefully be .....

it sounded some thing like this:

Okay, if you exist and you created every thing, you have to know what is in me, all of us. I mean you have to know why we do what we do, and don't judges us like all that Hell Fire Damnation and Brimstone crap I grew up with. If you are real you have to be about Unconditional Love with out boundaries or limits. You have to see what motivates us in to the things we do even if we make mistakes.

And so I went on and on..till I found my self just talking... some what self-conscious ( thinking that if some one saw me here talking to the air like this they would think me a nut job) but I pushed it out of my mind as I kept talking...I guess I became comfortable with this because I suddenly erupted with an emotional fervor... asked why was my life so fucked up, why did all the things that I had to endure happen to me...I mean, I went off,.. I was asking about my Father and Mom, and all the fights I had had, everything.

If the word VENTING ever fit a moment in life this was it. 

At the peak of this emotional display, I suddenly said  ...”And while I'm at it what the fuck was that, that happen to me that day, what the fuck was that all about”as well as running down a list of life events.

I have to tell you that it felt good to be talking this way, but I was not prepared for what happened next!

I want to give words to this so everyone understands what I experienced from this point on but I feel I will fail in doing so. I hope this is met with some degree of understanding to the task in which it is to convey.

I never heard a voice, let me make that clear. But it was very clear to me that as I asked a question all the sudden the answers became undeniably obvious. I just knew at that very moment what the truth to that question was, kind of a “Dah” moment.

As moment after moment pasted it was like ( this is a metaphor here so don't take this literal) I was standing in some bleachers looking down on a field watching my life unfold before me for every question I had, I saw the cause and affect of every thing, It all began to make sense, and I began to feel as if all my burdens that had been stacking up on my back and shoulders all these year where disappearing. Every feeling of victim hood vanished. My life for the first time made sense to me and I did not blame anyone for it, I was more in a state of forgiveness than anything else.

As that became clearer to me, after some time had passed... I to my surprise, without missing a beat “Said these words”

( I give my life to you and commit myself to helping other ) it was an instinctive thing in me to do this. I mean it felt like the most natural thing to do when I said it and I felt it in every ounce of my being as I said it.

"Now this part I guess you all will have to come up with your own understanding for this."

To use the word hit is incorrect, but I don't know any other word to us, I did not fall back which would be the reaction if I was hit by something. but I did feel a force come at me and hit me in the chest, fill my body and in a split second was conscious of this energy coming out my finger tips and hair as well as my feet.

As this energy expanded, I became more conscious of everything around me. I could not move but I could see and feel on a level I have no word to convey, I looked over at a tree that was to my right just past were I had parked my El Camino, it was Dark out side but this tree was glowing and I could see it clearer than any thing around me, it had a blueish glow coming off it, I could see it was a living thing, I began to scan the scenery around me and every thing was aglow and alive I looked down the hill and could make out small animals in the bushes ' rabbits'  My mind was taking on an awareness that I in one moment thought ( this is beyond me how can I know all of this) I was becoming conscious of every thing all at once as this energy expanded from me out to the farthest horizons, I in my mind could sense every thing ...I have no word for this... but as It was  expanding in my minds awareness, I became... with out any doubt... aware of... “IT”....I all the sudden was conscious of God ( and I say God only because there is not a real word for “IT” and I'm sure this word is the most common for most readers)

(And there was no mistaking it to be the Source and Center of everything)

In a singular moment was conscious of IT and IT being conscious of me be being conscious if IT. I again have no words, but to say we were in each other’s thoughts completely aware of each other. And I was fill with the most over whelming Love, Peace, Serenity, that word will never be able to convey. 

Time stopped for me I did not feel my self-breathing I was not aware of any thing for... I have no Idea how long.. I was in bliss, suspended.

The next thought that came to my mind was me becoming aware that the sun was coming up. I began to notice the colors in my environment becoming visible.

I saw the green in the plants around me and I saw the purple, violet, pink clouds and dark to light Blue sky... My first thought was ...the Sun is rising. I looked to my right and starred at my car.. Next thought was ...I guess I should go home.

Like a zombie I walked over to my car pulled my keys out of my pocket, and opened the door, sat down, started the car, and drove down the hill back on the the road off to my house, Got home and went to bed.

When I awoke, it was late in the evening, usual for me back than, I did as I always had done, going through the routine of getting ready for work... Right in the middle of it I stopped, and said to myself,” I don't belong there any more”... I paused and thought it threw, thinking that if I did not go to work who would protect the girls. I resigned to go and began to formulate my exit from that life.

It took a few months but I enrolled in a community college and started a journey I have no idea where it will take me other than to do Gods will in my life ...The journey had begun and I can never walk back.
 Learning to let Gods will become my will. not as easy as it may sound.

It has been over 32 years now and I have had some great adventures and met some amazing people... to say I am grateful is a understatement.